John 11:17 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in
the tomb for four days.
Something I’ve been struggling with again as grief seems to reinvent itself over and over is the question of why God allowed Ezra to suffer as he did? Why were there these pockets of hope to grab on to, only to lose him in the end? Why did his bone marrow transplant go so incredibly smoothly only to have him relapse 6 months later? I know God does not tease us, but as I wrestle with this pain, I sure felt teased. It all seems so senseless. In many ways it feels like it would have been easier not to hope; not to have these moments where it seemed victory was coming only to lose him in the end.
I recognize that all his treatments gave us 14 more months of life with Ezra, and for that I am eternally grateful. I recognize that the hundreds of days spent in the hospital provided Vince and me with thousands of hours to be with our son, despite much of that presence being extreme pain and suffering. I recognize that thousands of people heard the good news of Jesus through Ezra’s story. If I’m honest, however, knowing all of this does not make it feel “worth it.” There are these unanswerable questions that leave me wrestling and hurting.
As I struggle with the truth of who God says he is in Scripture versus my experience of God, my mind is drawn to the story of the death of Lazarus in John 11. As I wrestle with Jesus about these things, this narrative of Lazarus gives a tiny glimpse into the heart of Christ.
“Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was” (John 11:6, emphasis mine).
Jesus’ friend, Lazarus, was sick. His sisters sent a message asking Jesus to come and I can only imagine their message was sent with hope; Jesus will come and heal him. But then Jesus didn’t come. He waited. He delayed; so long that their brother died.
I imagine that Mary and Martha experienced the same kind of hope in their beckoning Jesus to come that I experienced in hoping Ezra’s chemo would work. Surely the kindness of Christ will rescue us. Surely we will see God’s goodness in this. Surely he will come at just the right time (often the 11th hour) and heal. But he didn’t.
Jesus absolutely had both the power and ability to come at once when he heard Lazarus was ill. He could have dropped all he was doing to go immediately when he was called upon. But he chose to stay where he was. This brought confusion for everyone involved. Why didn’t he answer? Why didn’t he come right away? Even the age old question of why God doesn’t heal when he is able is brought to the table when the crowds ask, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” (John 11:37). I’ve asked that question more times than I can count. “God, why didn’t you heal? Wouldn’t it bring you more glory to have given us a miracle?” My feelings of confusion over a God who is able, but often seems unwilling have left me in seasons of pain and hurt.
In my pain, it’s easy to assume that when God gives no response, or when God’s answer is “no,” to our pleadings that God is indifferent; that maybe he doesn’t care. I have felt that. If we sit in the tension of this passage in John 11, we see this is simply not true. Not only does Jesus care deeply, but there is intention in his delay. He tells the disciples that he delayed for the sake of belief (John 11:15, 42).
The truth of this narrative is that Lazarus’ illness was not primarily about the death of Lazarus, but rather it’s about the glory of God. God is always about his glory and the intentional delay of Jesus, the intentional “no” to healing immediately was about his glory. God’s great love let Lazarus die. (The Delay of Jesus - Suffering)
The death of Lazarus allowed Mary, Martha and the other on-lookers to see and experience the glory of God in more full ways than they understood; in ways they didn’t even realize they needed to experience. While the sisters believed that what Lazarus needed most was physical healing, what they all truly needed, what we all need, is to see and experience the glory of God. Lazarus’ healing would have shown a piece of God’s power; his resurrection revealed the glory of God. They could not have seen or understood how death actually brought more life, more glory to God, until the resurrection. It is the same for us.
We feel the deep pain of suffering. We feel abandoned. We feel the pain of loss. We ache with unanswered prayers. We feel the delay of God’s answers, just as Jesus delayed in answering the call to come to Lazarus. We feel it, and it hurts so, so deeply. Yet in that painful waiting, what we can also experience is the compassion of a God who weeps with us, just as Jesus wept for Lazarus. What we can experience is the tension of understanding that the delay of God’s “yes” is not because he has forgotten or is uncaring, but rather it’s from a God who cares so deeply that he knows that what we need most is not actually the answer to our prayers, but rather we need him to reveal who he is, regardless of the outcome. Without knowing it, we ask for something far too small that feels good; that we can understand. We ask for healing, we ask for comfort, we ask for provision, we ask for understanding. Instead, he gives us a far greater gift. His answer to our pleadings is to give us a greater picture of himself. He gives us himself and a more magnificent view of his glory.
If I’m honest, I’d still rather have the tangible expression of God’s love. I’d rather have the “yes” to my prayers. I’d rather have the healing. I’d rather God not delay. Even in this desire, however, the reality is seen that I do not understand how much better the glory of God is than my own understanding.
Very difficult moment in our lives when prayers go unanswered. It results in us seeking reasons for the delay more so if the situation grows more serious day by day. Then again, we should turn our focus to the One that has sovereignty over every situation in our lives and in my own life, I had to check my belief in Him and rest in the thought that His timing is not ours. We can only focus on our faith and His promise! He will be glorified in all situations, no matter the timing we are concerned about. Just belief! Coram Deo